Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Coping With A Woman In Tears - a men’s guide (by a woman!)
Carole Spiers - The Empowerment Guru grows successful people. An International Female Keynote Speaker, Conference Chair and Business Mentor who helps you to achieve step by step success with inspiration and motivation. www.carolespiers.com
You are reading this in English - which means you are living in one of those countries with a puritan heart, scornful of any breakdown in self-control. Elsewhere, both sexes may weep loudly and openly; it is part of their passionate self-expression, almost a ritual drama. But here, it is something to be bottled-up, hidden away, apologised-for.
Weeping as a healthy release
This does not stop us encouraging a ‘good cry’ when we see it’s going to happen anyway. “Better get it out of your system”, we say at those times. It means we appreciate its therapeutic effects, while disapproving of it as a habit. Anyone can see (and hear) that it’s a necessary release of tension and stress - a great rushing-in and rushing-out of the tide, leaving us cleansed and purged.
But that is strictly in private. In public, it is seen as childish bad behaviour. Weakness in a man. And in a woman, a serious loss of face, a cheapening show of emotion, after which she cannot really hold up her head or preserve any dignity in front of those who have once seen her in that state.
A response to what ?
Women cry for any number of reasons, not always stressful (those ‘tears of laughter’ for example). But a woman in tears is generally a challenge to a man’s ability to cope. Whatever he does or doesn’t do, he is liable to be condemned, for we are in a zone well beyond logic. Indeed, her state of weeping may have been triggered by too much relentless logic and reason (left-brain, the male half), against which mother-nature rebels in her own time-honoured way. It is easy to see how the pressure on women to pursue the boardroom life all day and night could set-off this kind of reaction. Still more when they’re expected to be a dedicated creature of the boardroom and of the home and family at the same time.
Still, the cause is more likely to be found somewhere in her emotional depths, where pressures may steadily harden into stress, all unknown to her menfolk. Perhaps a recurring obsession with her weight or appearance. Perhaps a little piece of unfinished business from the past, still festering and nagging. Perhaps her secret protest at an insensitive streak in an otherwise supportive husband.
In the absence of a rational explanation, a man must try to read the situation as best he can within the limits of his intuition.
When to leave her alone
A woman in tears is not always signalling for a big consoling hug. Often she will be quite happy if she can be left alone in peace while she takes her time pulling herself together. A favourite author or composer may be the best therapy. Or it may be a moment for a woman-to-woman talk, comparing notes in confidence. At these times, she may actively resist male intervention, however well-meant.
Sincerity is the least worst formula
Experience shows that women respond badly to ‘duty sentiments’ or meaningless cliché reassurances, even though these may be the first things a man instinctively comes out with.
Practical help is more acceptable - that little tissue and a glass of water, for example. Or a promise of an impulse-treat, off to the theatre or a new restaurant. Or maybe a little story to take her mind off everything, rather like cheering-up a child. And although forced humour and jollying-along doesn’t work, you may find you’ve said something that tickles her unexpectedly and made her laugh again.
For laughter is the other side of tears.
Carole Spiers - The Empowerment Guru grows successful people. An International Female Keynote Speaker, Conference Chair and Business Mentor who helps you to achieve step by step success with inspiration and motivation. www.carolespiers.com
# posted by Carole Spiers @ 7:51 AM 
